Bartender Savant

Story: How to be a bad customer

2006-12-23T05:25:00.000-05:00

I worked service bar tonite. If you haven't ready any of my previous posts, service bar sucks. Not only are you required to churn out every drink for the 3-6 servers (depending on time) you are also the first well people come to when entering the club.

I was weeded. See two posts down. I ended up ringing $2500 (300+ more than the day drawer). And I made a majority of the server drinks.

As the special ($2 Any Drink) comes to an end, the bar becomes nuts as every person tries to get in that last Goose and Cranberry (or what have you).

Tonite, I split equal time among customers and servers. I would take 3-6 customer orders and then crank out 5-10 server tickets. Well, apparently someone didn't like that.

When I'm working at this station, I go left to right, serving all of the customers at the bar and then making all of the server drinks that have stocked up on my printer. I started with a nice Indian (dot, not feather) man who wanted two margaritas and then proceeded down the line. Having taken care of the first round of patrons, I moved to server drinks. Suddenly, one of the Indian man's friends (or co-workers, or whatever) is waving his Coors Light bottle around like it is on fire.

I did what I always do. Ignore everyone (or, if they manage to make eye contact with me, give them the one second, I'll be right with you gesture). Well, this guy got increasingly belligerant. he was waving the bottle around and slamming it on the bar.

Finally, I had enough.

"Hold the fuck on. I'll get to you when I can!" came roaring out of my mouth. The man seemed aghast. Wait? What is that?

I manged to dig myself out of the server weeds and when I finally got to the man he asked for his check. Awesome. Get the fuck out of my bar. He left a $0 tip on a whopping $16.25 check.

Hey asshole, learn some manners. Wait your goddamn turn. And if it is so important for you to get a drink, have your friend order all of them when he is standing at the bar.

And honestly folks, don't seriously try to get a beer from the service bartender. His main job is to get the cute girls who you love to gawk at, their drinks.

Rant: Bartender Training

2006-12-23T05:18:00.000-05:00

This past week, I've been asked by at least five people to teach them to bartender. I'd say half of them would never be able to cut it.

Alot of people say that bartending is easy, fast, big money. I would tend to agree with them. If you have that personality to deal with the ins and outs of the business.

I made over $350 on tuesday, working from 9pm-2am.

That is $70+ an hour. Who other than lawyers or chief executives make that kind of money.

However, bartending is not easy.

It requires you to be able to do a ridiculous amount of math in your head. It requires you to be able to serve every guest with the respect and a smile, regardless of how terribly the prick before them treated you. It requires you to be on your feet all the time (try working an 18 hour shift and tell me this is easy). It requires you to be able to handle the weeds (when you're 3 deep at the bar, your service tickets are backing up, the barback just broke a glass in your ice well, you're out of well vodka, captain morgan, and jagermeister, and the special is about to end).

To anyone who says being a bartender is easy, yes, you're right. Mixing drinks and serving them is not hard. Popping the top off of two Miller Lites takes not training.

To anyone who says being a great bartender is easy, I say fuck you. And I mean it, Fuck You! Until you've been surrounded by 100+ guests, all demanding your attention, all demanding alcohol, all drunk, and all beligerant and you've made it out with a cool head, you cannot call yourself a Great Bartender

December Recap

2006-12-23T05:02:00.000-05:00

So I've been gone for a week or so and I just want to catch everyone up on what is going on in my life.

First, I've graduated. I think. I failed one class that was required for my double major but instead of spending more time wasted in college on a major that is pretty much useless, I dropped it to a minor will be graduating, pending my final grades in my other classes (which should all be passing).

Secondly, I fell into and out of love. I met Crystal on a friday night while her friend was making out with a dude in one of the booths. She had me at hello and pretty much picked me up. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the fact that she looked like a more beautiful version of my Ex-Girlfriend. She went home with me that night and beyond work and school, we spent every minute together for 6 days straight. We even said the "three deadly words" (i.e. "I love you"). It was crazy. I've been single and promiscous (c'mon, I'm a bartender) for almost 3 1/2 years and after meeting this girl, I considered throwing away all of my short term plans to move with her wherever she wanted.

She captured me, heart, mind, and soul.

Unfortuantely, she graduated college and moved home to Arizona. I've yet to talk to her on the phone and it has been 16 days.

Luckily, I'd been preparing for the fact that she'd never come back and am coping relativelty ok. She taught me that love was possible. She taught me that it is ok to throw caution to the wind and fall maddeningly in love with someone. She taught me that there are people out there who I can fall in love with and who will love be back.

It was only a few days, but I'm still in a slight amount of pain. It brings up questions like "Why now? Why not earlier? Do the fates hate me?" However, I've taken the higher route. She was an angel (or whatever your religion deems) brought into my life by the Almighty (I am agnostic so I recognize no name for the Creator) to show me that giving up is futile and that I will find someone.

Ok, ok, ok. This blog isn't about me. But I needed to get that out there.

Back to bartending.

This week, I rang higher than the day drawer 3 out of 4 days. To explain, one drawer is assigned for the entire day, meaning that the total of the drawers contents equals both the day-time bartender (10am-4pm) and the late bartender (4pm-2am). I came in at 4 both days and had higher sales than it did in 6 less hours.

I'm a startender. I'm a braggert. I'm arrogant. But I think I've earned that right.

So you know, my rings were $2800, $1860, and $2500.

Let me run your bar. I will make it more profitable than any bar in the city you are in ;).

Level Bartender's Challenge

2006-12-12T07:44:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in my previous post, I was a competitor in the level Bartender's Challenge. The goal was to create a unique and delicious drink using level Vodka as the primary ingredient.

I am proud to announce that I took first place by a land slide and claimed the $350 prize. My recipe can be found in the post below this one. Try it, it's f'n good.

Story: Specials

2006-12-10T05:13:00.000-05:00

We run a pretty sick special at the club. From 8:30-10:30, we offer $2 You Call It Cocktails and Beer. Any drink or any beer in the house is $2. This does not include Red Bull drinks ($2 upcharge for any drink) or shots (we'd rather people pace themselves somewhat).

I like it. Alot of places run 10-12 specials just to get people in the doors. Shit like 50 Cent drinks, or $1 You call its. Hello, welcome the cheapskates.

Our special packs the place early and then people stay for the awesome atmosphere. Great DJ. Awesome bands. We offer it all.

However, there are those folks who come just for the special. I can't blame them, drinking for cheap is great.

Take, for example, "I'm a balla drinking Grey Goose guy." He has no problem ordering rounds of 5-10 Grey Goose drinks for his buddies. They're ballas, right? Only dudes with huge incomes drink Grey Goose, right?

This guy does one of two things.

First, he'll order a round of shots during the special, thinking that shots are included. I love watching guys order 10+ Washington Apples or Soco and Limes and then have me drop the total on them.

"That'll be $55" (for, say, 11 shots)

Balla guy. "What, oh fuck, shots aren't on special?"

Me: "No, sir, shots are never on special."

Balla Guy, fumbling through his pockets. "Fuck, ok put it on this."

Normally a $2 tip. Haha, no such a balla now are we?

Or, he'll order the same round he's been ordering at 10:40, say, 7 Grey Goose and Cranberries (and btw, why would you ever waste a quality vodka by mixing it with shitty post-mix cranberry juice. Answer: to look like a balla).

His round that costs $14 just skyrocketed to $49.

Guy: "Oh shit, I'm not paying that."

Me: "Sir, you ordered it, our specials are posted very clearly outside. You need to either pay for these drinks or I can introduce you to two very uniformed police officers."

Guy: "Oh, fuck, ok."

So tonite, I drink to you, Mr. "I want to be a balla but can't really afford it."

I enter a drink contest on monday, so enjoy my newest concoction.

1 Key lime, quartered
4 Large Basil Leaves
2 Teaspoons of White Sugar
Splash of Italian Lemon Soda

Muddle.

1 1/2 Oz Level Vodka.
3/4 oz Sweet and Sour Mix

Shake with Ice

Double strain into a cocktail glass

Add 1/2 oz Italian Lemon Soda.

Enjoy

Story: Why do girls not order rounds?

2006-12-01T06:22:00.000-05:00

I've noticed something in the past 8 months working at places in the "downtown" area of my city.

Girls always buy there own drinks and not any for their friends.

When guys order, they'll usually order 2-5 drinks, for them and their friends. They buy rounds. Everyone is expected to buy a round (and normally do). Lots of times, with older guys, they'll fight over who is paying.

However, when girls come out, it seems as if they line up in a queue and each order the same thing, one at a time. Maybe I get it. They are used to having guys buy them drinks, so they adopt a "to each their own" strategy.

However, I'm telling you ladies. If you have one person go up to the bar and order 5 miller lites, instead of each doing it on your own, you'll get your beer much much faster.

Go drink a Miller Lite tonite, its what I am sipping on right now.

Story: I'm Hot

2006-11-30T02:15:00.000-05:00

I will preface this post with some simple facts about myself.

1. I am overweight.

2. I think I am unattractive.

3. I play Dungeons and Dragons (although not as of late)

4. Bartending is the only reason I know how to talk to girls.

I doubled on saturday. Doubling is usually not a big deal at most place. It normally means you work 8-12 hours and are done early. Not at the club. Doubling at the club means starting at 10am and working until close (2 am, however after cleaning and tip counting more like 4am).

I put in an 18 hour shift, in otherwords.

The day started good. I had a Starbucks Chat Tea Latte which picked me up after having slept only 4 hours the previous night (I work 12 hours on friday and 12 on wednesday and got royally messed up on thursday [thanksgiving, my only day off last week])

I was working with some of my favorite people. Angela, who is normally a server but bartends sometimes, Caren, the server who has broken my heart numerous times (thats another story), and a few other good peeps.

The day shift was nothing to talk about. It's funny, because we are the "other team bar." When the home college team (of whom I am a student) plays, we are inundated by fans of the other team en route and returning from the game.

We continued on until we got crushed at 9pm, which is the usual for saturdays. I cranked out over $2600 on the day, which was nearly a thousand more than any of the other bartenders.

What really stood out was a girl who kept getting long island ice tea's from me. Now normally, I am merely a conduit for girls telling me that several of our other bartenders are hot. However, at the end of the night, something was different. She went up to one of our female bartenders and told her that I was "Hot and she likes me."

That NEVER happens.

Tonite, I bask in being hot and liked.

Enjoy something hot, and unliked:

Prairie Fire

1 oz Tequila
1/3 oz Hot sauce

Shoot!

Comments

2006-11-25T04:41:00.000-05:00

Hey guys, I see some folks are reading the blog, which is awesome!

If you are reading the blog, PLEASE! leave some comments if you think it is good or bad or things I should post about. I'm feeling out this blog thing and welcome the encouragement to keep writing!

Everyone rocks!

I'm off to bed before my 18 hour shift tomorrow.

Quick Post: Thanksgiving Eve The Aftermath

2006-11-23T05:21:00.000-05:00

I feel like I've been violated. I'm sore as shit. My neck, feet, knees, and back are killing me. The only thing I can say about this night is I made over $300 and saw a few kids I haven't seen in a while.

Tomorrow, I will be drinking Sam Adams Hefeweizen and Bridgeview Riesling all day, eating turkey till I can't move, and then going out until I can't stand up. I work friday night and all day saturday so Sunday should be chock full of updates.

Drink that beer or wine, fuck cocktails for tonite!

Thanksgiving Eve: The Calm Before the Storm

2006-11-21T12:39:00.000-05:00

I sit on the eve of the second biggest on-premise night of the year, pondering the insanity that will ensue.

I'm not sure of the specifics as far as revenue, sales, or door count goes, but aside from New Years Eve, I'm always busier on the Wednesday before thanksgiving than any other day.

Its strange to think about it. Everyone is home for the long holiday to celebrate all that they give thanks for and apparently, they really give thanks for me handing them a Corona and two Mind Erasers.

I suppose its a time to see friends and family in a laid back atmosphere unlike most family dinners. They can let go and over drink and no one will judge them. They can chain smoke Marlboro reds without their grandfather giving them the stink eye. They can hook up with that cute girl from High School they never got to ask out.

Its nice too, because while thanksgiving eve received more and more hype each year it doesn't come with the expectations of New Years Eve, which almost always seems to be a let down. Most people are planning on going out, seeing some friends, and having a few beers, nothing more. When it turns into a shotfest and you hook up with the hot high school quarterback who is a lawyer now, its just a bonus. Contrast that with New Years Eve when everyone plans on going out and getting laid. Its always a let down to not have someone to kiss at midnight on new years, but playing tonsil hockey is just a bonus on Thanksgiving Eve.

Not to mention I much prefer Thanksgiving turkey over New Years ham anyday of the year!

I'll likely have a post up on thursday should anything exciting happen tonite (the lead up to tomorrow) or for thanksgiving eve itself. Lets hope something fun happens!

Today, enjoy a:

Blue Lagoon

1/2 oz Bacardi O
1/2 oz Malibu or Parrot Bay Coconut flavored Rum
1/4 oz Blue Curacao
1/2 oz Pineapple Juice
Splash Cream

Combine all ingredients in a shaker with just enough cream for color. Shake and strain into shooter glasses.

Story: Red Headed Sluts

2006-11-16T10:03:00.000-05:00

The last post reminded me of a quick funny story from when I was working in a shitty college bar.

It was another slow slow monday and I was sitting back and drinking Coronas to pass the time. A middle aged woman comes into the bar and sits down, looking at our cocktail menu. I saunter over and put a bevnap in front of her and use the simple "What can I get for you today?"

She seems to know what she wants, but doesnt want to say it. Finally, she asks me:

"What do you put in your Red Headed Sluts."

I try to stifle my laughter and respond with.

"Usually two fingers, but I'll use three if she's really naughty," while holding up the infamous Shocker.

She looked aghast, but I simply laughed as she ambled out of my "fine" establishment.

Serves you for asking!

Enjoy a fine Red Headed Slut:

Red Headed Slut
3/4 oz Jagermeister
1/2 oz Peach Schnapps
Splash Cranberry

Shake and serve as a shot, or with more cranberry, a tall drink.

Tips and Tricks: Accordion Pour

2006-11-16T09:55:00.000-05:00

This is a simple trick that I've used to wow customers many times.

It works best with shooters or martinis but can somewhat be used for any drink.

The set up:

Stackable highball glasses equal to the number of shooters you are making, plus one.
Rocks glasses spaced appropriately.
Booze and mixers.

First, line up the rocks glasses on the bar. Depending on how large your highball glasses are, you may need to space out the rocks glasses. My advice is to try this a few times with just water and see what kind of spacing is necessary.

Then, put a small amount of ice in each highball. Enough to chill the liquor you'll be pouring in, but not so much as to prevent the glasses from properly stacking.

Stack up all the highballs. If you are doing 5-6 or less, you can normally hold them in one hand. If doing more than 5-6, you'll want a little help from a barback or another bartender.

Start to pour the shots into the glasses. You can either pour each individual liquor into the glasses by "dragging" the stream up the side of your highball tower, or by straining equal parts into each glass.

You're not ready for the pour. Hold the stack at the top and bottom and push it gently together so it doesn't topple apart mid pour. Then, begin turning the tower from vertical to horizontal, so that the shooter from the first glass pours into the first glass, second into second, and so on.

Watch as the tips and shooter orders come streaming in.

For martinis, you'll have to use tins. Also, you need to put ice into the tins so that they are properly spaced.

Now that you've learned the accordion pour, go enjoy some fun shooters!

Washington Apple
3/4 oz Whiskey (Crown is the accepted, but it really doesn't matter)
1/2 Apple Schnapps
Splash of Cranberry.

Mix in a tin and serve as shooters.

Story: The Patrons You Love to Wait on

2006-11-12T04:58:00.000-05:00

This may sound cynical, but I tend to look at the majority of my patrons as dollar signs. Early in the night, it is easy to talk, laugh, and joke with people around the bar when there aren't 600 thirsty people trying to get a drink. I can make friends, do some bar tricks, tell some jokes, share some stories, and, for the out of towners, talk some smack on their football team. All of it is in good fun, and one of the coolest guys I met last week were in town to cheer for the opposing team.

Anyway, I'm waiting on this group tonite who are, again, fans of the "other team." I give them the usual ribbing about how their team sucks and we're going to win and blah blah blah, but truthfully, I've never been a big sports fan. If we're winning, I'm probably sleeping or doing homework throug the game. If we're losing, I'm usually doing the same. Sports have just never caught my attention. I know, I'm a closet nerd.

So I wait on these guys for a good hour as they are my only company as I crank out a slightly above average number of drinks for the service well. Nothing out of the ordinary and certainly nothing I can't handle. I make friends and then all of the sudden the rush hits.

Saturdays are strange to say the least. Normally, we'll have a small to medium crowd of out of towners and a few locals in to watch the college football games and oggle the hot waitresses (hey, I really can't blame them). However, around 9 or 10 oclock, all hell breaks loose. We'll go from having 200 people in the club to 600 in a matter of 20 minutes. That puts a severe strain on the bartenders and waitresses alike as they try to serve all the new guests who are drinkless. The problem with service bar, is that it is the first well that guests see when they walk into the Club.

What happens, and it isn't pretty, is that server tickets will spit out of the printer while half of all the new patrons try to get a drink from me. Luckily, many regular customers have learned to hit the beer tub or slower stations for their first drink (even if they are my friends, the bastards) simply because I can't make enough drinks to keep up with the demand. There are few if any bartenders there that can, as evidenced by the fact that I work service well almost every shift.

Today, something crazy happened. server tickets were spitting faster than I've ever seen and they were larger than usual. So not only was I getting hit with more tickets, I was getting hit with bigger tickets.

The way I usually work is to grab three tickets, memorize the 4-8 drinks, and go make them, come back, wait on 2-3 patrons, then go back to the printer. I tried doing that but I was getting huge backup on the printer (i'm talking 6-10 tickets deep).

So I had to try something different. I pulled ALL the tickets, put them all right in front of my well and cranked out every drink, then tried to make it around my station while the printer filled back up.

This is where my favorite patrons come in. I'm a fairly messy bartender. I spill ice out of my well, spray soda down the sides of glasses by accident, etc. However, I make the most drinks per hour and I always pour a proper drink. This being the case, the area I was laying my tickets was soaked and i was getting soggy tickets I could barely read. I went to go pour some draft beers and i came back to a ridiculously dry bar top with all my tickets aligned nice and neat. I looked up at Jim and Tony who were the "other teams fans" and they smiled and waved a bar towel at me. I loved them! They cleaned up my shit when I couldn't and helped me and everyone of my servers make more money. That is the best tip I could get. Truthfully, I don't remember if the group as a whole were good or lousy tippers, but they could have stiffed me for all I care! Their little bit of help surely helped put more money in my tip buckets and the pockets of my servers.

I of course asked my manager if I could by them all a shot, and he came back with the usual, "absofuckinglutley"

So tonite, I toast to Jim, Tony, Carol, Jeff, and the guy drinking tall Beam and Cokes.

Enjoy a:

Rocky Mountain Mother Fucker
1/2 oz Amaretto
3/4 oz Southern Comfort
1/4-1/2 oz of Lime Juice.

Shake well and serve as a shooter!

2006-11-10T10:24:00.001-05:00

Bar Wars: Cocktail Hour

Awesome Cocktail Trailer, recut to be similar to Star Wars

2006-11-10T10:24:00.000-05:00

Cocktail Horror Version

Awesome Coktail Trailer, with the movie recut as a horror film!

Story: Sunday Funday - The Beer Pong Tournament 2

2006-11-03T20:26:00.000-05:00

Bartenders and the rest of the service industry(servers, hosts, barbacks, etc) exist in a strange microsm of the world. We work when everyone else is playing and tend to sleep while everyone else is at work. My usual shift begins at 4 or 7pm and goes until 3 or 4am. 9to5ers have their happy hour from 5-7 (when im working) so my happy hour usually goes from 4-6am with my friends from work sitting on someones couch or balcony, consuming far too many beers or shots than is likely wise and typically with a buffet of illicit narcotics to choose from.

Service Industry types really form their own subculture. Their lives tend to not mesh with those who work "normal jobs" and have far more in common with those who work the graveyard shift. Their "weekends" tend to be sunday through tuesday (although during football season, even sunday can be a primo shift). From this dichotomy, springs the ritual of Sunday Funday. 9to5ers can go out on Friday night (or afternoon) and drink and party and dance and copulate and do all the things that annoying bar patrons do. Us? We have to wait until sunday to get our real party on.

Watching people party at SIN (Service Industry Night) nights is certainly a lesson in Anthropology. The vast majority of SI types are nothing like the normal customers. They don't demand, they don't bitch, they don't ask for free or stiff drinks (although they usually get them), they don't ask dumb questions, they don't worry about what is on special, and, most importantly, they tip far too well (this tends to explain why they get so much free stuff).

However, and this is what I find amusing, SI types will party hardcore. Shots and drinks galore. They will get blackout drunk and cause little to no problem. They won't fight someone (unless their bouncers and just have all that rage built up from not being able to hit people at work) unless its very well deserved. They can be a case and a half of Corona deep and still respect where they are at. That's why I love partying with them.

This brings me to the first of many stories about my and my co-workers exploits on Sunday Funday.

This story begins with a bar sponsered Beer Pong tournament. I hadn't planned on playing but the bracket needed one more team so I called my soon to be rooomate who drove down from the suburbs and we began.

Our first two games we win by a relatively large margin. This surprises me because my roommate is normally horrific at beer pong (ever since I made her play gin and tonic pong with me she hasn't been the same, haha). However, both of us are making cups like pros. Two teams that should have been a threat are quickly relegated to the losers' bracket.

However, at this point, my roommate begins to get a bit wobbly. She's not a big drinker and doesnt work in the biz so really hasn't taught her liver how to deal with the deluge of beer and shots like I (and my co-workers) have. We proceed to lost the next two games in close matches and since she has to drive home, I drink all of the beer from the last game: two pints in about 10 minutes.

What happens next is the normal course for teams knocked out of the tournament.

Shots and beers galore!

I continue to drink myself insane with the help of my co-workers, managers, and even owner. Then my best friend and our friends from freshman year show up and the only way to greet friends is with a round of shots...right?

Side note: I have this problem with loving to buy rounds of shots. I used to worry about spending $20-40 in a matter of minutes. However, this was simply a problem of drinking with college students who couldn't afford to "get me back" and buy their own round. However, once a bartender with many bartender and server friends who were always willing to give back for a free shot, this no longer became a problem. I use that word cautiously because when you buy a round of 6 shots, and then proceed to do 6 more shots in the next hour, it can become a problem!

At this point, I'm three sheets to the wind. Actually, its probably more like 5 sheets, but I'm good at handling myself when I'm hammered.

The tournament ends and the MOD (manager on duty) decides he's had enough of our drunk shegnangans and offers last call. I close my $100 tab and we move on to the next bar, a shitty dive that everyone loves and which defines the city I'm from.

After about 3 beers (and likely some shots) there, my mind becomes fuzzy. I remember being cognizant enough to give my car keys to my friend who wasn't driving with the explicit order to punch me in the face should I demand them back because even I knew I was in no condition to operate my zipper fly, let alone an automobile.

I wake up at my managers house with no recollection of the previous night. Still drunk, I down some water and grab my spare key. I wait out the intoxication and drive home to pass back out and fight the hangover pounding in my head. Throughout the day my phone rings with calls from co-workers and my night begins to be pieced back together.

Among the crazyness that happened:

1. I made out with one of our cuter waitresses for at least an hour on a bar stool. I find this out when she calls me asking me if I remember any of it. I have no recollection (unfortuanately) but when she informs me that we did, my only response is "cool."

2. I got cut off, which is a seriously difficult thing to do in this kind of bar.

3. One of the other waitresses dumped an entire pint of beer on my managers head causing him to get thrown out. We begin our mass exodus at this point.

4. I'm in the back room after somehow getting another Corona. As we begin to leave, I struggle to put the new and full bottle of beer into my cargo shorts pocket so I have something to savor on the walk home. One of the bartenders, whom I've become good friends with since, sees it and follows me to the door. When I finnally get the bottle into my pocket and turn to exit, he swoops past me, reaches down and pulls the bottle out of my pocket, apparent to all but me. Still cold, he manages to resell it!

I felt like I got hit by a train the next day but it was worth it if only for the stories of drunken debauchery.

Tonite, enjoy the best hangover killer I know of:

Bloody Mary
1 1/2 oz Vodka
3 oz Tomato juice
1 dash Lemon juice
1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce
2-3 drops Tabasco sauce
1 wedge Lemon, a piece of celery, cherry tomatoes, or any other garnish

Combine all in a shaker. Give a good shake and add salt, pepper, and extra Tabasco to taste.

Story: Certified

2006-10-27T04:51:00.000-04:00

I was in my second season at my first job and had become one of the better bartenders on the crew. I got a vast majority of the best shifts and worked almost 60 hours a week. I was making some serious bank (although I learned at my current jobs that the money I was making, and thought was good, was actually quite terrible).

We were setting up for one of the bigger, more important parties that the company held each year. 1200 people, open bar, really important client type stuff. The event didn't start until 6pm, but I was in at 10am to set up (and making a mean $5.50 an hour).

About halfway through the set up, one of the managers brings up this tall goofy looking kid wearing the uniform of a bartender. I looked at two of my other co-workers who had just noticed the lumox lumbering up to us and they shot me the "oh crap, who is this shmuck?" look.

Jim comes over and introduces us to the FNG and tells us he is a new bartender and will be starting today. It was an open bar and its relatively hard to screw up serving free drinks. I looked at the kid and asked the simple question, "Do you have any experience?"

He took off his aviator glasses and with all the pompadour of a French Aristocrat, responded "Oh, I'm certified!"

Oh great, a bartending school graduate who thinks he is a bartender.

Side Rant: I have no problem with the idea of bartending school. However, the actual application of it is complete shit. Schools make students memorize a bunch of recipes for drinks that no one orders, fail to incorporate new drinks, products, or techonology into their curriculum, test students abilities using colored water, and in general, teach the least important aspects of Bartending. Unlike Link, we came into the job knowing that he really wasn't adequately prepared, most bartending school graduates are think they are perfectly ready to step onto the floor during a 10pm rush. Most of them are quickly reduced to tears while I clean up their mess, but I digress.

I hear two stifled laughs from behind me as my co-workers attempt to show some sense of decorum. Still wanting to know what this kids real deal was, I asked "Certified by whom?"

"Oh I graduted from blah blah bartending academy."

"So, do you have any real experience," was my reply.

"Well, I worked a few frat parties." Great, not only does he think he is bigshit, but his only experience comes from slinging crappy vodka and cranberries to underage sorostitutes.

The kid became known as "Certified" for his entire, albeit short career with the company. I really doubt he's bartending anywhere now. The business isn't made for oafish lummoxes.

In honor of his frat party experience, enjoy a:

Ultimate House Party Traveler.

20 oz Bottle of Coke
6 oz of Bacardi Razz (from out of the freezer)
4 oz of Water

Empty half of the coke (into a mouth, mixed drink, or the drain). Pour in the pre-chilled bacardi razz and water. Give a quick shake (and don't open right away drunky!) Enjoy the quick pre-party buzz you'll get. It makes the Natty Ice go down alot more smoothly.

Rant: The Martini

2006-10-27T04:33:00.000-04:00

"Vodka martini, shaken, not stirred."

Ah, the fine, classic drink: the Martini. Simple, yet elegant. 3 Parts Gin. 1 Part Dry Vermouth, stirred over ice and strained into a chilled cocktail glass, served with a twist of lemon or several olives.

Where did we ever go wrong?

First, came James Bond and his Vodka martini. Fine fine, it wasn't his doing, but Smirnoff's, as they attempted to sell more vodka by trying to make vodka synonomous with Martinis. Not a problem. The Martini was still a clear liquor, with dry vermouth.

Then we entered into the Dry martini phase, where martinis became nothing but chilled vodka served in a vermouth washed glass, or no vermouth at all.

And that brings us to now, where any drink served in a cocktail glass is a martini. A Margarita served up is no longer simply that, but a "Margarita Martini." Flavors are out of this world. Apple, Peach, Melon. What is wrong with people!

At the club, we have a martini night with severly discounted martinis. We also have a 19 item martini menu that contains not a single "real" martini. All are variations of shots or regular cocktails.

And they are a bitch to make.

Almost all include 3-5 parts (unlike the classic martini's 2). A great majority include cordials or cream, making for a sticky sloppy mess in my tins. Some don't even include vodka (and not one includes gin)! Martinis with Captain Morgan or Malibu? What is the world coming to?

So tonite, enjoy my favorite version of a classic.

Classic Gin Martini:
2 oz Bombay Sapphire Gin
1/2 oz Dry Vermouth

Fill Shaker tin with ice. Pour in gin and vermouth. Stir using a barspoon until frost appears on outside of tin. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with 3 olives or a twist of lemon. Enjoy a return to simpler times, when men drank manly drinks.

Song about me!

2006-10-26T03:09:00.000-04:00

If I go before I’m old
Oh brother of mine please don’t forget me if I go
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free,
after three days in the ground
Oh and if I die before my time
Oh sweet sister of mine please don’t regret me if I go
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
after three days in the ground
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
after three days in the ground
I’m on bended knee I pray Bartender please
Oh when I was young I didn’t think about it,
But now I can’t get it out of my mind
I’m on bended knee please father please
Oh if all this gold, should steal my soul away
Oh dear mother of mine, please redirect me if this gold
Bartender you see, this wine that’s drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from
the devil’s tree roots
Deep deep in the ground
Bartender you see, this wine that’s drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from
the devil’s tree roots
Deep deep in the ground
I’m on bended knee I pray Bartender please
I’m on bended knee please mama please
Oh when I was young I didn’t think about it,
But now I just want to run and hideI
’m on bended knee Bartender please

Story: FNG part 1

2006-10-24T17:46:00.000-04:00

In the restaurant world, I've found the name FNG to be great for the vast majority of new employees. It is rare that new employees have much, if any experience, and tend to only look at bartending or serving as a temporary job that "can't be that hard." That's understandable, my job isn't that hard...for me. But for an FNG, they can quickly be buried by their lack of knowledge. And then it becomes my job to dig them out, dust them off, and tell them what they did wrong. And that list tends to be long.

There have been many times when the new guy did something really stupid and all I could do was slap myself in the forehead and exclaim loudly, "Fucking New Guy!"

The first story begins with Link one of the new guys hired at the Club in a slew of hires. Self-admittedly dumb (I think he just says that) he's the all-american boy that girls swoon over. Its amusing how distraught his customers become when they found out he has a girlfriend (and has a thing for Fidelity, unlike most bartenders I know). Still, they are unrepentent in their attempt to get his number. Link has quickly grown into one of our better bartenders, being able to both handle the stress of a busy Friday night and the boredom of a slow wednesday while balancing girlfriend and his other job. However, the stories of his first days on the floor still make me cringe.

One of his first questions was "How do you pour draft beer?" Strike one, although not necessarily a huge strike. My first two jobs didn't serve draft beer, so it was over a year of bartending before I learned how to properly pour a draft and almost 2 years before I learned how to properly pour Guiness.

Second, he asked how to serve the lime with a corona. "Well, do I put it in the bottle or do I hand it to a customer or do put it on the bevnap?" Strike two, although you couldn't help but enjoy his enthusiasm. At least he was trying to learn and knew that he knew nothing (slightly Socratic for those philosophy types). That is alot better than most shmucks who come in from Bartending School and think that they know everything, but thats another story (and likely part rant!)

I'm happy to say though, that despite all of his initial missteps, Link has become a great part of the Club family.

Who I am and What this is?

2006-10-24T17:10:00.000-04:00

Hey folks, first real post here.

I'm a mid-20s bartender from a city in Pennsylvania. I've been behind the bar for 2 1/2 years now and am finishing up my college degree.

I came to college with plans to be a computer programmer but quickly grew tired of that field. One day, after writing code for 16 hours straight, I stood up and immediately went and withdrew from all of my computing classes and settled down with a humanities double major (utterly useless in the 'real world,' but enjoyable classes that would get me that stupid piece of paper all employers seem to love).

I started bartending one summer when my friend got me a job as a server at the place she worked. I worked as a server for the first month, but by the end of that month I was training folks who had been there for multiple seasons how to properly use the computer. My boss came to me and asked if I wanted to be a bartender. I jumped at the oppurtunity. I thought it would simply be a good job to get me through the rest of college although it became nothing short of my passion.

I spent two seasons (summer/early fall) at my first job, spent 6 months working in a shitty college bar, a year at a catering company working weddings, a day at an upscale jazz bar, 6 months at a hotel bar, and finally the past 6 months at a corporate Bar/Club combo and a locally owned Sports Bar.

Now on to what I plan for this blog. This is truthfully my fourth attempt at keeping a blog, although I think I'll be able to keep it much more faithfully. Many props go out to Waiterrant and other blogs that can update multiple times a week (and quality updates as well).

The posts on this blog will be categorized as follows:

1. News: I will occasionally post links and small snippets to bartending related news stories, whether it be new technology, new or exotic recipes, stories about bars, bartenders, or alcohol, or something I simply find interesting.

2. Stories: These will hopefully form the bulk of my posts. Simply put, they will be anecdotes about my many nights spent serving drinks.

3. Rants: Surely I will post drunk or pissed after work. I'm going to make it a point to label these so you can skip them as they will likely berate my customers or otherwise be filled with some manner of spite or malice. They should be a fun read though.

4. Bartending Tips: This should be the second most common post, unless I feel like ranting more. These will be tips and tricks (hopefully including pictures and video) on how to bartender more effectively, be more entertaining, or simply wow your customers. Flair bartending, magic tricks, and simple, yet underrated tips will be contained herein.

This won't be a personal blog. I'm not going to relate stories about my true life but only my life behind (and likely in front of) the bar. In the vein of the seemingly defunct LA Bartender blog (www.labartender.blogspot.com) I plan on including a drink recipe with each of my posts.

Tonite, enjoy a:
Blackberry Mojito
1 1/2 oz Appleton Estate VX Rum
2 Tablespoons of Granulated Sugar
5 Sprigs of Mint
1 Fresh Lime
4 Fresh Blackberries
3 oz of Soda Water

Remove Mint leaves from stems and place in a highball glass with 3 blackberries. Cover with the sugar and add the juice from 1 lime. Muddle thoroughly. Add Rum and Ice. Cap with a Shaker tin and give a few solid shakes. Pour back into the highball glass and top with soda water. Garnish with a blackberry and sprig of mint.

first post

2006-10-15T06:48:00.000-04:00

test test