Story: Certified

I was in my second season at my first job and had become one of the better bartenders on the crew. I got a vast majority of the best shifts and worked almost 60 hours a week. I was making some serious bank (although I learned at my current jobs that the money I was making, and thought was good, was actually quite terrible).

We were setting up for one of the bigger, more important parties that the company held each year. 1200 people, open bar, really important client type stuff. The event didn't start until 6pm, but I was in at 10am to set up (and making a mean $5.50 an hour).

About halfway through the set up, one of the managers brings up this tall goofy looking kid wearing the uniform of a bartender. I looked at two of my other co-workers who had just noticed the lumox lumbering up to us and they shot me the "oh crap, who is this shmuck?" look.

Jim comes over and introduces us to the FNG and tells us he is a new bartender and will be starting today. It was an open bar and its relatively hard to screw up serving free drinks. I looked at the kid and asked the simple question, "Do you have any experience?"

He took off his aviator glasses and with all the pompadour of a French Aristocrat, responded "Oh, I'm certified!"

Oh great, a bartending school graduate who thinks he is a bartender.

Side Rant: I have no problem with the idea of bartending school. However, the actual application of it is complete shit. Schools make students memorize a bunch of recipes for drinks that no one orders, fail to incorporate new drinks, products, or techonology into their curriculum, test students abilities using colored water, and in general, teach the least important aspects of Bartending. Unlike Link, we came into the job knowing that he really wasn't adequately prepared, most bartending school graduates are think they are perfectly ready to step onto the floor during a 10pm rush. Most of them are quickly reduced to tears while I clean up their mess, but I digress.

I hear two stifled laughs from behind me as my co-workers attempt to show some sense of decorum. Still wanting to know what this kids real deal was, I asked "Certified by whom?"

"Oh I graduted from blah blah bartending academy."

"So, do you have any real experience," was my reply.

"Well, I worked a few frat parties." Great, not only does he think he is bigshit, but his only experience comes from slinging crappy vodka and cranberries to underage sorostitutes.

The kid became known as "Certified" for his entire, albeit short career with the company. I really doubt he's bartending anywhere now. The business isn't made for oafish lummoxes.

In honor of his frat party experience, enjoy a:

Ultimate House Party Traveler.

20 oz Bottle of Coke
6 oz of Bacardi Razz (from out of the freezer)
4 oz of Water

Empty half of the coke (into a mouth, mixed drink, or the drain). Pour in the pre-chilled bacardi razz and water. Give a quick shake (and don't open right away drunky!) Enjoy the quick pre-party buzz you'll get. It makes the Natty Ice go down alot more smoothly.

Rant: The Martini

"Vodka martini, shaken, not stirred."

Ah, the fine, classic drink: the Martini. Simple, yet elegant. 3 Parts Gin. 1 Part Dry Vermouth, stirred over ice and strained into a chilled cocktail glass, served with a twist of lemon or several olives.

Where did we ever go wrong?

First, came James Bond and his Vodka martini. Fine fine, it wasn't his doing, but Smirnoff's, as they attempted to sell more vodka by trying to make vodka synonomous with Martinis. Not a problem. The Martini was still a clear liquor, with dry vermouth.

Then we entered into the Dry martini phase, where martinis became nothing but chilled vodka served in a vermouth washed glass, or no vermouth at all.

And that brings us to now, where any drink served in a cocktail glass is a martini. A Margarita served up is no longer simply that, but a "Margarita Martini." Flavors are out of this world. Apple, Peach, Melon. What is wrong with people!

At the club, we have a martini night with severly discounted martinis. We also have a 19 item martini menu that contains not a single "real" martini. All are variations of shots or regular cocktails.

And they are a bitch to make.

Almost all include 3-5 parts (unlike the classic martini's 2). A great majority include cordials or cream, making for a sticky sloppy mess in my tins. Some don't even include vodka (and not one includes gin)! Martinis with Captain Morgan or Malibu? What is the world coming to?

So tonite, enjoy my favorite version of a classic.

Classic Gin Martini:
2 oz Bombay Sapphire Gin
1/2 oz Dry Vermouth

Fill Shaker tin with ice. Pour in gin and vermouth. Stir using a barspoon until frost appears on outside of tin. Strain into a chilled cocktail glass. Garnish with 3 olives or a twist of lemon. Enjoy a return to simpler times, when men drank manly drinks.

Song about me!

If I go before I’m old
Oh brother of mine please don’t forget me if I go
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free,
after three days in the ground
Oh and if I die before my time
Oh sweet sister of mine please don’t regret me if I go
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
after three days in the ground
Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
after three days in the ground
I’m on bended knee I pray Bartender please
Oh when I was young I didn’t think about it,
But now I can’t get it out of my mind
I’m on bended knee please father please
Oh if all this gold, should steal my soul away
Oh dear mother of mine, please redirect me if this gold
Bartender you see, this wine that’s drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from
the devil’s tree roots
Deep deep in the ground
Bartender you see, this wine that’s drinking me
Came from the vine that strung Judas from
the devil’s tree roots
Deep deep in the ground
I’m on bended knee I pray Bartender please
I’m on bended knee please mama please
Oh when I was young I didn’t think about it,
But now I just want to run and hideI
’m on bended knee Bartender please

Story: FNG part 1

In the restaurant world, I've found the name FNG to be great for the vast majority of new employees. It is rare that new employees have much, if any experience, and tend to only look at bartending or serving as a temporary job that "can't be that hard." That's understandable, my job isn't that hard...for me. But for an FNG, they can quickly be buried by their lack of knowledge. And then it becomes my job to dig them out, dust them off, and tell them what they did wrong. And that list tends to be long.

There have been many times when the new guy did something really stupid and all I could do was slap myself in the forehead and exclaim loudly, "Fucking New Guy!"

The first story begins with Link one of the new guys hired at the Club in a slew of hires. Self-admittedly dumb (I think he just says that) he's the all-american boy that girls swoon over. Its amusing how distraught his customers become when they found out he has a girlfriend (and has a thing for Fidelity, unlike most bartenders I know). Still, they are unrepentent in their attempt to get his number. Link has quickly grown into one of our better bartenders, being able to both handle the stress of a busy Friday night and the boredom of a slow wednesday while balancing girlfriend and his other job. However, the stories of his first days on the floor still make me cringe.

One of his first questions was "How do you pour draft beer?" Strike one, although not necessarily a huge strike. My first two jobs didn't serve draft beer, so it was over a year of bartending before I learned how to properly pour a draft and almost 2 years before I learned how to properly pour Guiness.

Second, he asked how to serve the lime with a corona. "Well, do I put it in the bottle or do I hand it to a customer or do put it on the bevnap?" Strike two, although you couldn't help but enjoy his enthusiasm. At least he was trying to learn and knew that he knew nothing (slightly Socratic for those philosophy types). That is alot better than most shmucks who come in from Bartending School and think that they know everything, but thats another story (and likely part rant!)

I'm happy to say though, that despite all of his initial missteps, Link has become a great part of the Club family.

Who I am and What this is?

Hey folks, first real post here.

I'm a mid-20s bartender from a city in Pennsylvania. I've been behind the bar for 2 1/2 years now and am finishing up my college degree.

I came to college with plans to be a computer programmer but quickly grew tired of that field. One day, after writing code for 16 hours straight, I stood up and immediately went and withdrew from all of my computing classes and settled down with a humanities double major (utterly useless in the 'real world,' but enjoyable classes that would get me that stupid piece of paper all employers seem to love).

I started bartending one summer when my friend got me a job as a server at the place she worked. I worked as a server for the first month, but by the end of that month I was training folks who had been there for multiple seasons how to properly use the computer. My boss came to me and asked if I wanted to be a bartender. I jumped at the oppurtunity. I thought it would simply be a good job to get me through the rest of college although it became nothing short of my passion.

I spent two seasons (summer/early fall) at my first job, spent 6 months working in a shitty college bar, a year at a catering company working weddings, a day at an upscale jazz bar, 6 months at a hotel bar, and finally the past 6 months at a corporate Bar/Club combo and a locally owned Sports Bar.

Now on to what I plan for this blog. This is truthfully my fourth attempt at keeping a blog, although I think I'll be able to keep it much more faithfully. Many props go out to Waiterrant and other blogs that can update multiple times a week (and quality updates as well).

The posts on this blog will be categorized as follows:

1. News: I will occasionally post links and small snippets to bartending related news stories, whether it be new technology, new or exotic recipes, stories about bars, bartenders, or alcohol, or something I simply find interesting.

2. Stories: These will hopefully form the bulk of my posts. Simply put, they will be anecdotes about my many nights spent serving drinks.

3. Rants: Surely I will post drunk or pissed after work. I'm going to make it a point to label these so you can skip them as they will likely berate my customers or otherwise be filled with some manner of spite or malice. They should be a fun read though.

4. Bartending Tips: This should be the second most common post, unless I feel like ranting more. These will be tips and tricks (hopefully including pictures and video) on how to bartender more effectively, be more entertaining, or simply wow your customers. Flair bartending, magic tricks, and simple, yet underrated tips will be contained herein.

This won't be a personal blog. I'm not going to relate stories about my true life but only my life behind (and likely in front of) the bar. In the vein of the seemingly defunct LA Bartender blog (www.labartender.blogspot.com) I plan on including a drink recipe with each of my posts.

Tonite, enjoy a:
Blackberry Mojito
1 1/2 oz Appleton Estate VX Rum
2 Tablespoons of Granulated Sugar
5 Sprigs of Mint
1 Fresh Lime
4 Fresh Blackberries
3 oz of Soda Water

Remove Mint leaves from stems and place in a highball glass with 3 blackberries. Cover with the sugar and add the juice from 1 lime. Muddle thoroughly. Add Rum and Ice. Cap with a Shaker tin and give a few solid shakes. Pour back into the highball glass and top with soda water. Garnish with a blackberry and sprig of mint.

first post

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